Some Bunny’s Gonna Get Hurt – The Painway Recap

It's really strange to come to a bout as a volunteer instead of a skater. Everything was very clear to me during the season opener: go to the locker room, gear up, and skate. This Saturday was different. After showing the security guy my badge I walked into a nearly empty arena. TKO wasn't there yet, so I spent the majority of an hour wandering around with Manic Janet and Bangin' Brunette. The Flock signs were being put up and skaters were running around slapping "reserved" signs onto chairs for their friends and family.

TKO showed up and we were given stats sheets. I was really surprised at the amount of different categories there were. Besides body blocks, we also counted blocker on jammer knockdowns, jammer on jammer knockdowns, offensive blocks and knockdowns, whips, pushes, hip whips... you name it, we were on the lookout for it. I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed and incompetent. How in the hell was I supposed to see all of this going on at the same time?

It turns out that I didn't need to worry so much. The Silent Lambs/Windy City bout started and I realized that hits don't happen all the time. Everything is about track positioning. Unfortunately, our positioning wasn't all that great. It seems like the Nadabees were everywhere at once. When they needed to be in the back, they were there, but at the same time it felt like they were also dominating the front. The front is usually our domain, but their blockers would somehow dart right in front of our pivot.

I think their size worked in their advantage. Those are some tall girls! Our little tiny ladies like Miss Print and Polly Rocket barely came up to their shoulders. I did meet a few of their more petite girls at the after-party, but the Windy City Nadabees were, on average, much taller than our skaters.

The Silent Lambs had a great start. The first four jams were kept at 8 to 1. Those Windy City ladies are extremely adaptive, however, and they quickly changed to counter our strategy. They kept the pack fast and hit first. The Lambs fought hard during the 40 minute game, but the Nadabees won 90-46.

Next up was the Black Sheep/Burning River bout. The hits were much faster, and Janet and I were having trouble keeping up with the pace. At halftime the Sheep were ahead 60-40. At the start of the second half the Burning River team pulled ahead and the Sheep scrambled to catch up. Some massive points scored by K. Lethal, Sadistic Sadie, and Hannah Barbaric evened the score, and a massive nine-point final jam by Hannah sealed the deal. The Black Sheep defeated Burning River 107-93.

After the bout it was time to head on down to Grammer's for the after-party. I'm really starting to love that old place. It's so historic in the downstairs area, with the leaded glass doors and huge bar, but then upstairs there are pool tables and a dance floor. I wish they had more space downstairs, or maybe a second bar, because when all the fans are there the place is PACKED! It's nearly impossible to get a drink, however, the bartenders work their butts off to give us a great party. I even got a Red Bull on the house, which makes me love them even more.

I met a Windy City skater, Val Capone, who has two Star Wars tattoos, a Rebel Alliance emblem on one shoulder, and an Empire emblem on the other. Then, Cherry Choke showed me her Rebel Alliance emblem on her shoulder. I definitely feel that I need to get a Star Trek insignia tattooed somewhere on me. I'd like it, but I think Mr. Painway wouldn't take too kindly to it.

After wandering around downstairs for a while I headed upstairs to the dance floor. It was quite... eventful. I'm not sure how to put this... Some guy decided to do an interpretive dance to Nelly's "Hot in Herre". And by interpretive I mean clothes = gone! I've been told that sometimes a rollergirl might get a little drunk and topless at an after-party from time to time, but I've never heard of a fan having quite that much fun.

After another hour or so it was time to go home and get some sleep. Much fun was had by all, The Librarian groped just about everybody (and we love her for it!), and we had, as Miss Print put it, "one bout lost, one bout won and an after-party featuring a literal interpretation of Nelly's 'Hot in Herre'". What will happen at our May 9th bout against the Mad Rollin' Dolls? Only time will tell!

P.S. - I forgot to mention the massive PBR can pyramid that was made track-side. I was really hoping that a skater would plow into it, but it was not to be. Maybe next time?